Friday, May 28, 2010

We got the funk

Okay, let's get down and emotastic for a bit. I promise, it won't be TOO often that it happens. But today is one of those days, so let's just deal with it.

Every night when I go to bed, I tell myself that when I get up, it'll be different. I'll get up and clean, I'll cook something good, I'll exercise. I'll find the strength I need to do what probably a lot of people do without even thinking about it. A friend of mine says that she cleans her house pretty much everyday because she doesn't like it to be messy, she cooks, she works, and she exercises. And she finds time for sports, volunteer work, and to chat with her friends online. She does it all so effortlessly that I stand back and look at her and think, "Why is it such a struggle for me?"

Because it IS, you know? My bedroom is the very picture of depression. The rest of the house is not so great either. Mr. D does clean on occasion, but his is half assed. Who loads the dishwasher but doesn't wipe down the counters or the sink? That guy. A few weeks ago, he was eating peanuts out of the shell and on the way to the trashcan, I guess he missed because there was a pile of shells right next to the can. Out of curiosity, I didn't pick them up because I wanted to see how long they'd sit there. Maybe he was doing the same, I don't know, but those suckers sat there for 4 days.

I just don't know. I don't know how I can get out of this funk or rut or whatever this is. If anyone has any ideas [if anyone is reading this, that is], feel free to toss them my way.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Love that bitch

Have you ever heard the expression, "Fail to plan, plan to fail?" Yeah, that's pretty much what has happened here.

I have not PLANNED well enough to give up sugar in my diet. I have also not set it in my head to do it either.

I think the main thing is - I don't want to do it. I feel like after basically 24 years of being on one diet or another [since the age of 8, when I was not even fat], I'm tired of denying myself. They say you should love yourself to make changes for yourself. Well, you know? I love myself enough to say, "If you feel like eating that cookie, you should! Don't make yourself sad!"

Sometimes I think I need to be a lot more mean with myself. Because all this love stuff is obviously not working. I need a Jillian Michaels to come be a bitch to me.

Speaking of bitch, Mr. D is in a foul mood this week. His work is making him completely cranky, and the medication his doctor has put him on to make him stay awake [he has excessive daytime sleepiness. We thought it was his sleep apnea, but after a couple of months of being on the breathing machine, it's still not better.] is making him irritated as hell. And in turn? He's making ME more anxious and angry, which is making me eat more.

There's only room for one person with a bitchy attitude in this house, and I called it first.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Help me, Holy Potato!

So I'm giving up sugar again.

Well, let me back up. A few years ago when Mr. D and I first moved in together, he introduced me to the Atkins diet. It sounded like a good idea at the time. I was 100 pounds overweight and right before he and I had met, he'd lost a good 60 pounds doing it. So I bought the book and looked up all the information, found support boards to join, and started. The first few days were hard. I won't lie - I love Cokes and coffee with plenty of sugar and cookies and crackers and potatoes. I have a terrible unholy love for the potato. I would happily put some potato products on an altar and kneel before it and sing the praises of the Holy Potato. Baked, fried, mashed, covered in butter and cream and cheese and...

Oh. Right. Atkins.

So as I got into Atkins, I got REALLY into it. I was happily eating eggs for breakfast, big salads with tuna for lunch, beef and broccoli for dinner, pork rinds for snacks. I felt AMAZING. AY-MAY-ZING! I was working out 6 days a week with all the new energy. The weight was dropping off. I bought a gorgeous pair of low waisted jeans that were truly THE JEANS. You know the ones. They sit just right on my hips, made my legs look a mile long, and flared out just right at the bottom.

I wore them twice.

Because after buying the jeans, I totally fell off the low carb wagon. I don't remember why or what happened, but we found ourselves craving Mexican food. I think I might blame Mr. D for this one, because out of the two of us, he's the one that usually cracks first. I was flying high. But I was also desperately in love with him at the time and if he wanted Mexican food, I wanted it, too. So we sat there with a big bowl of chips in front of us... and we dug in.

The perfect jeans have sat unused [but not unloved! No, Jeans! I still love you!] in the bottom of my closet for years. I discovered that corn kinda makes me sick [which is sad since corn would be at the right hand of the Holy Potato], and that sugar really isn't good for me.

However, it is EASIER to eat sugar than to not eat it. Have you ever really looked at nutrition info? It's in everything!! Plus, let's face it - it tastes good. And I do love things that taste good. The same goes with starch. At least, the "bad" starches, like white bread. But given the choice? I'd rather just not eat bread than to have to eat whole wheat. I'm not picky, that's just the way it is. Not to mention starchy food makes me hungrier.

I'm a 100 pounds heavier than I was 8 years ago. Yeah, do the math - that makes me 200 pounds overweight now. Chuckle it up.

So the time has come once again for me to give up sugar. My body will thank me for it...in a few days. Oh, did I mention that I tend to get SICK when I give it up? Like a fucking crackhead. I'm the one shivering and sweating because my blood is coming back and the Coke filling my veins is leaving. I'm the one with the massive headache and feeling sick to my stomach because there's no cookies in me. But in a few days, I will be fine.

Now, to break the news to Mr. D...

Thursday, May 20, 2010

You Suck!

I think Mr. D is sucking the lifeforce out of me.

Mr. D is my long term boyfriend and we've been living together...oh, probably almost 8 years. It's hard to remember sometimes. This September marks our 10 year anniversary. It's not what you'd call the typical romantic relationship. I could probably talk forever about how NOT his type I am. But, we get along, and that seems to be enough for both of us at the moment.

We used to both be pretty active. Gym memberships, going to the park, going out. Once I stopped working and he started working from home, it all changed.

Also? Whoever said "Familiarity breeds contempt" was totally - totally - right.

Where was I? Oh yes, life force.

I think somehow we've given each other permission to be lazy. The house? A wreck. Our bodies? Complete wrecks. But yet on the very rare days he has to go to the office, I'm up and cleaning and usually getting in a work out. The moment he comes home, I sink back down in front of the computer and watch YouTube for hours.

So if I think about it... Well, I don't know what I think about it. How do you tell someone, "Honey, I love you, but you're SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF ME!"? There's pretty much no good way to have THAT conversation, unless you want to follow it up with "And I'm leaving."

I think I need to somehow convince him that we need to get gym memberships again. We'll see how that goes.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Guess who's back, back again?

Okay. So. I started this blog last year around my birthday with the grand promises that I was going to "make this my year!"

I'm about 3 months from my next birthday and it has not been my year.

Fuck.

You see, there comes a time in every dieter's life when you simply don't know what to do anymore! You don't! Oh, you know all the rules. You can count carbs, calories, points, fat grams, sodium grams and protein with the best of them. You know if you walk a certain amount of times, you'll burn off a certain amount of calories. You know how it works. But?

You. Don't. Know. What. To. Do.

I've been trying to walk every day. I have a treadmill. I have a park with a mile long walking trail. At this weight, walking is all I can do. Do I do it every day? No. Am I trying? Well, sure.

Blah, I don't know where I was going with this.