No Goal, No Win?

I haven't forgotten this. I've just been... saving the world? Curing cancer? Fixing the oil spill? Campaigning for same sex marriage?

Okay, I'll admit it. I've been lazy. LAAAAAAAZZZZZYYYYYY.

And anxious. Really anxious. My anxiety has seriously been at an all time high for the past month, and the messed up thing is that there's no reason for it to be that way. When I get into those anxious periods, working out would probably be the best thing, but yet I cannot make myself leave the house to go do it.

I keep thinking about goals. I used to love to set goals and work towards them. For some reason, where weight loss is concerned, I just can't seem to get motivated. Maybe it's because losing weight is not exactly a FUN process? I mean, think about it. You have to put work into it. You can no longer eat your super favorite foods [because seriously? Who ever says "My favorite food is lettuce!"? No one, that's who.] and it usually means you have to cook something. Unless, of course, you want to be stuck eating nasty diet boxed food - like Jenny Craig or Nutrisystem or even frozen crap like Smart Ones and Lean Cuisine. [Not all frozen meals are crap but they aren't awesome.] And it means you can't lay around reading books and playing on the internet. You have to get up and work.

I need to set a goal. I need to KEEP that goal. But it can't be a long term goal. I'm not quite ready for that. It needs to be short so that I can get back into the habit of meeting goals. You get out of the workforce for so many years, you forget things like deadlines, I guess. I currently write for a virtual magazine, and it was kind of a good feeling to meet the deadline this past month. WHY can't I do that with my body? Is my body not worth it? Am I not worth it?

I think that maybe I am.

We got the funk

Okay, let's get down and emotastic for a bit. I promise, it won't be TOO often that it happens. But today is one of those days, so let's just deal with it.

Every night when I go to bed, I tell myself that when I get up, it'll be different. I'll get up and clean, I'll cook something good, I'll exercise. I'll find the strength I need to do what probably a lot of people do without even thinking about it. A friend of mine says that she cleans her house pretty much everyday because she doesn't like it to be messy, she cooks, she works, and she exercises. And she finds time for sports, volunteer work, and to chat with her friends online. She does it all so effortlessly that I stand back and look at her and think, "Why is it such a struggle for me?"

Because it IS, you know? My bedroom is the very picture of depression. The rest of the house is not so great either. Mr. D does clean on occasion, but his is half assed. Who loads the dishwasher but doesn't wipe down the counters or the sink? That guy. A few weeks ago, he was eating peanuts out of the shell and on the way to the trashcan, I guess he missed because there was a pile of shells right next to the can. Out of curiosity, I didn't pick them up because I wanted to see how long they'd sit there. Maybe he was doing the same, I don't know, but those suckers sat there for 4 days.

I just don't know. I don't know how I can get out of this funk or rut or whatever this is. If anyone has any ideas [if anyone is reading this, that is], feel free to toss them my way.